Breathe. I have had a pretty tumultuous week, a few dramas that have just tipped me over the edge. First of all, I started in a new DBT group. I was a little unsure about the new facilitators, but week 2 I am finding them ok. The actual members of the group however I can’t stand. There is using distress tolerance skills and just craziness. I was also pretty annoyed about them treating some of my target behaviours as trivial. As I have mentioned here before, I have had problems in the past with dying my hair when things start to reach breaking point. I am there. I dyed my hair dark. The facilitators acknowledged this as a destructive behaviour but others in the group were trying to suggest it was self-soothing. If it was in fact self soothing, I would find it comforting, but I don’t find the stress that pushes me to changing my hair colour comforting and colouring my hair doesn’t actually make me feel better for much more than an hour. The group is hard to tolerate and I know that I should be using my distress tolerance skills but I don’t know how I am going to continue. The group I was in previously was kind of timid in comparison to this cut-throat group. I see some of their behaviours as classic borderline, and while I should be sympathetic…. while this is why we are in DBT… its kind of tiring. This group makes me either want to retreat into my shell with my hands over my ears or yell like a mad woman at their stupidity – of course I should do neither, but I am really unhappy. I finished group today and went to the shops to get my eyebrows and eyelashes done, something nice for me. As I laid on the table I got an impulse to pierce my ears and nose (previous piercings that I have removed). So it was. $100 and 3 piercings later… oh and a bagful of trashy cheap jewelry…. I went home. It’s hard to describe the feeling. It’s just uneasiness, wanting to cry but can’t. I think the dramas of last week pushed me outside my safe zone – now I’m crawling back.
It certainly sounds like you have had a tought week and I am sorry to hear of your struggles although I am glad you shared them.
But I think it is a good thing that you are able to identify the stressors in the week, Just keep taking it one step at a time is the best response I can offer I think.
Kind Regards and God bless you
Kevin.
Thank you Kevin – yes, those steps do add up eventually
thank you for reading
I have had problems in the past with dying my hair when things start to reach breaking point.
Me too. I have pictures of myself with all of the colors of the rainbow. Darker hair was always my favorite when I was feeling depressed. I did black once by accident, actually. The box said medium brown. . . and I’m naturally blonde. Serious skin / hair mismatch. And most of the time, like the time I dyed burgundy over blonde (which comes out this grey purple color), I was only satisfied for a moment. There was only one hair color change that stuck. The bleach blonde color I dyed my hair two years ago. I haven’t strayed since. And I took it as a sign of stability (finally).
Yes, it’s definitely a target behavior. But, it’s also a warning behavior. For me, it should have been something that set alarms off. But, even if those alarms did go off in those times, I wouldn’t have known what to do with them. Anyway, it’s not trivial at all. It’s telling. And any body modifications (been there too, with a hole in my belly button that got mangled during pregnancy) are serious business.
Thank you so so much, u make me feel understood! I had a laugh about the black, I have done the same thing with ‘medium brown’! I had managed to last one year without coloring, but the other day just felt compelled to do it even though my inner voice was saying no, no, no! Like you I feel like it’s a warning behavior as well, I know anytime I’ve changed colours and seen my GP, she was straight on the phone to the psych team. I see my pdoc early next week, so I am sure we will discuss it then. I nearly got more piercings yesterday, but instead took some Seroquel and went to bed. Have to manage these impulses. Thanks again Tallulah xx – MMH
I seemed to have flown under the radar with that one. My husband caught it once when I dyed my hair brown after having it red for a really long time. He said something to the effect of, “You’re not going to leave, are you?” It’s been a habit to dye my hair brown when my relationship isn’t going well and I’m “in mourning”. No, that wasn’t the case. I wanted to do something to get the red out of my hair! It was too expensive to keep up anymore, and it was going to take some time to grow out. But, in the meantime, I had to neutralize it. It took a year, but I finally got what I wanted, blonde hair.
The blonde for me is representative of kind of coming full circle in my life. When I dyed my hair, I felt more like me than ever. Blonde has been my color since I was born. Yeah, it’s a lot darker than the bleach blonde I have in there now, but I don’t care much for that mousy color. Nobody who has this color cares for it.
I’ve had my finger on the trigger for hair color lately, because I’m not feeling so well. The coppers are calling my name. But, I know I can never really get the copper I really want. And it is impossible to upkeep. I’ll stick with the bleaching that I only have to do four times a year.
I am sorry you have had a hard week, I hope it improves. I too have the hair color issues, I ended up with my hair purpleish black once it was horrible.. lol and we only feel good about it for a short time then we want to change it again.. Idk that I would call it self destructive but looking for a change just changing the wrong thing. We need and want changes inside but we only have control of outside in those times that things begin to swing. Glad you are going to group and working toward improvement on how you feel. I hope in time you start to feel the support you need from the group. Thank you for sharing and I wish the best for you!
Hi Shauna
I feel like my hair changing is when im feeling unsure of who I am. The destructive part of it is because I have previously lost all my hair from excessive colouring. I also forget what my employer might think about new ‘emo’ look – I would hate to jeopardize my job for a moment of insecurity. I was going to call it quits on the group, but I decided to keep going until I discuss the issues with my pdoc. Thanks for your best wishes and I wish you the same also 
Changing hair color is interesting. The more challenging things become for me or the more twisted things in my head become, the more I want to change my hair. Sometimes it does come from a self-destructive place. Others, it comes from wanting a fresh start and a change. I if I look different than I can be different. Much like when I move to a new city. It’s a new place and therefore I will be different when I arrive. Usually those things are only temporary fixes.